Going to hell in a handoff

When an athlete begins to pray after a noteworthy achievement, be it kneeling in the end zone after a touchdown, or crossing himself and saluting the sky after a home run, it's often said that "God has better things to do than watch your game"-- the implication being that, in the great scheme of things, the outcome of a single sporting event is so insignificant as to completely escape divine notice. I used to agree, but now-- with the worldwide state of affairs growing ever more tense and wretched for the past century or two-- I've come to a different opinion: God is watching the game. In fact, He's doing very little else.

One can hardly blame Him. Humanity has gone to great lengths to ensure that their sporting events are deeply compelling spectacles, presented with great pomp, slick production values, and in high definition (where available). Meticulously crafted parity, technological advancements, and diabolical marketing practically guarantee that large, frenzied crowds will witness high drama between evenly-matched teams of the greatest physical specimens that homo sapiens has ever produced... and God can watch every game, all the time (and in high definition, which is available in all regions of heaven). It's not that he can't watch all the games and still keep the rest of the world in order... it's that he doesn't want to. I completely understand; given the choice between election coverage and Sportscenter, you can bet that I'll choose ESPN.

If humanity is to pull out of our death spiral, we have to count on our sports stars-- they're the only ones God seems to be paying any attention to just now. So, great professional athletes of the world: while you're thanking God for blessing you with that touchdown (for example), could you put in a word for the rest of us, too? Thanks bunches.