[GAME REVIEW] Wii Fit

It's a game! It's exercise! It's a brand-spanking new input device!

Is it any good?

IN A NUTSHELL Wii Fit guides you through a variety of exercises (yoga, aerobic, and strength) and games, most of which make use the wireless balance board. The software also tracks your weight, showing your progress towards any weight loss goal you care to set.

THE PERIPHERAL We'll start with the balance board itself, and let me get this out of the way: the little booger is just cute as all getout. It's also light enough to be moved around without too much strain (though that would be bonus exercise), but solid and low enough to the ground that you won't worry about it sliding or tipping. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this will be the first foot-based controller to see broad success and be used for more than one application (skating, snowboard, and presumably surfing games are already in production).

• FEEL THE BURN... IN YOUR FEELINGS! Wii Fit can be painfully honest, sometimes unneccesarily so. I understand when it says "that's overweight", but does it really have to let out a surprised yelp when I first step on the balance board?

CAN WII ACTUALLY GET FIT? While not all the activities are muscle- or cardio-intensive, make no mistake: Wii Fit really can get your blood pumping. The pushup/side plank activity, in particular, has been cited as particularly grueling for the uninitiated... and I quite honestly could have puked after knocking out my first marathon Super Hula Hoop session. While this device won't offer much challenge to a trained athlete, the average couch potato can absolutely burn calories and increase muscle mass. A point to consider: many of the strength training exercises are most effective only if performed in the slow, controlled manner of your onscreen trainer. Cheat if you like, but you'll be minimizing your results.

• WHAT ABOUT MII? Miis are well integrated. In addition to your own personal avatar, you'll see the populace of your Mii plaza dancing, kicking soccer balls, and generally cheering you on throughout the game's activities.

WAIT, REAL EXERCISE? THAT DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL. The balance games themselves range from inane to mildly addictive, and are about Wii Sports-level in terms of gameplay and presentation. I'll actually give the Wii Fit balance games a slight advantage over Wii Sports in one important aspect: the control is very polished in Wii Fit, while Wii Sports had some rough edges that belied its origins as a tech demo (I'm looking at you, short putts in the golf game). In any event, some of the games are actually very fun, and quite challenging-- you don't know how hard it can be to shift your balance quickly and with precision until you start missing gates in the ski slalom.

• I DID NOT KNOW THAT. A really nifty touch (one I'll admit I haven't personally unlocked just yet) are activities that can be done without the game actually appearing on your television. As an example, my daughter was able to step on and off the balance board for half an hour, all while watching a show on our DVR. When the TV program was over, she switched the set's video input back to the Wii, which provided feedback on her activity. This sort of functionality has great potential, especially if expanded upon-- I'd like to be able to set a target (1000 steps, or some such) and have the Wii's blue light flicker to let me know when I've reached my goal.

IF IT'S ALL ABOUT FITNESS, WHY IS IT SO HOMELY? Graphically, this game looks an awful lot like Wii Sports: cute and cartoony. Also like Wii Sports, I can't say that I particularly care about Wii Fit's simple graphics-- immersive, well-implemented new control schemes (motion controls for Wii Sports, balance board for Wii Fit) very much compensate for low polygon counts.

• HA! The soccer heading game is fun to play, but maybe even more enjoyable as a spectator-- my wife and I couldn't stop giggling every time my daughter's Mii got pegged in the face with a wayward cleat. The THWHACK sound is simply delightful when it's somebody else on the receiving end.

WIIWARE TO THE RESCUE Free or cheap WiiWare downloads could expand Wii Fit into a real winner. My suggestions:

• ROUTINES The most glaring oversight in the Wii Fit software is a lack of routines, either random or preset. While you'll occasionally see a suggested sequence to target a specific area of the body, I'd like my trainer to say "here's today's routine"-- say, five to seven random activites from different sections-- and coax me through it. And I'd happily drop a few Wii Points on "Workout Packs": scripted sequences of activities that focus on specific bodily regions.


• SCALE CHANNEL Sometimes I just want to weigh myself, or my dog, without signing in or doing any yoga. How about a channel that exists only to display how much weight is on the balance board?


• WIIMOTE/NUNCHUCK MAPPING A tool to translate balance board input to any Wii game has the potential to turn the console's entire library into a calorie-burning collection. Imagine roaming around Super Mario Galaxy by leaning on the balance board rather than twiddling the analog stick, for example, and you'll get what I'm hoping for. Then again, why not map the right foot to accelerate and left foot to brake in Mario Kart..?


• MORE SONGS FOR THE STEP GAME Nintendo has, at last count, thirteen squillion recognizable tunes in their library. Why not make a few available to keep the step game interesting?

AND SO, IN CLOSING... Nintendo came awfully close to nailing this one... and if they continue to upgrade the Wii Fit experience through WiiWare (or even expansion discs, if reasonably priced), I'd call it a complete success. If it's not the perfect merging of video games with physical activity, it's a step in the right direction-- and, after all, you can't even take that first step until you stand the heck up.

SCORE 8.0/10 (potentially a 9.0 or higher, if updates to address the more urgent shortcomings are forthcoming)

Going to hell in a handoff

When an athlete begins to pray after a noteworthy achievement, be it kneeling in the end zone after a touchdown, or crossing himself and saluting the sky after a home run, it's often said that "God has better things to do than watch your game"-- the implication being that, in the great scheme of things, the outcome of a single sporting event is so insignificant as to completely escape divine notice. I used to agree, but now-- with the worldwide state of affairs growing ever more tense and wretched for the past century or two-- I've come to a different opinion: God is watching the game. In fact, He's doing very little else.

One can hardly blame Him. Humanity has gone to great lengths to ensure that their sporting events are deeply compelling spectacles, presented with great pomp, slick production values, and in high definition (where available). Meticulously crafted parity, technological advancements, and diabolical marketing practically guarantee that large, frenzied crowds will witness high drama between evenly-matched teams of the greatest physical specimens that homo sapiens has ever produced... and God can watch every game, all the time (and in high definition, which is available in all regions of heaven). It's not that he can't watch all the games and still keep the rest of the world in order... it's that he doesn't want to. I completely understand; given the choice between election coverage and Sportscenter, you can bet that I'll choose ESPN.

If humanity is to pull out of our death spiral, we have to count on our sports stars-- they're the only ones God seems to be paying any attention to just now. So, great professional athletes of the world: while you're thanking God for blessing you with that touchdown (for example), could you put in a word for the rest of us, too? Thanks bunches.

Thoughts on pessimism

My mother gave me a magazine article today, detailing the bad things that can happen to pessimistic people. I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and tried to take it seriously. As it happens, the reason that she gave me article in the first place is that I am, by nature, rather prone to a negative outlook, and tend to be dismissive of anyone who tells me anything thematically close to "cheer up".

In fact, this particular article wasn't the syrupy-sweet fluff piece I feared; it simply presented statistics and medical opinions about the long-term consequences of a grim worldview. I was mildly impressed: I didn't find anything immediately annoying about the article.

Of course, I couldn't just smile and get happy, either. A few minutes after reading, my most powerful impression was this:

FROM THE ARTICLE (paraphrasing): Pessimistic people tend to think that all problems are permanent, and give up too easily.

MY RESPONSE: You know who else thinks problems are permanent? People who have legitimately permanent problems, and have accurately assessed their circumstances. A young telegraph operator in the 1980's, for example, shouldn't be called a quitter or pessimistic for examining the marketplace and deciding that his chosen field is doomed-- quite the contrary; he'd be a fool to "tough it out" and "fight the good fight" in a dying industry.

Too many "every cloud has a silver lining" types cry pessimism at the first hint of a non-positive observation. To them, I say this: a negative statement is only pessimism if it is ill-considered, wrong, and unhelpful. If I tell you something unpleasant, it's very probably something I feel is both important and true; I'm seriously not trying to be a dick.

(Okay, sometimes I am trying to be a dick. That's probably your fault for goading me into it.)

Thought for the day

Whenever something horrible and random happens, it's commonly said that the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I think we should be open to the possibility that He works in a transparent and obvious manner,  and is also a bit of a dick.

I Could Be President (Now Talk Me Into It)

I'm pretty sure I could be president of the United States. I mean, I'm not nearly educated enough, and I don't have a lick of innate political acumen. Come to think of it, the only real leadership experience I bring to the table is over a decade of managing a small-town bar-- probably not what the American electorate wants to see on a resume before handing over the launch codes.

Still, I'm sure I can do it. In fact, I think anybody could become president, given as much positive reinforcement as today's candidates receive over a long election season.

First, people all over the country start sending cash. How great is that? I don't know about you, but I get pretty excited when my tax refund shows up, and that's once a year. I'd need emergency cosmetic surgery to remove my smile if I got a sack full of personal checks every single day.

And then, thousands of people show up and cheer for me every day, chanting my name and wearing funny hats with my name on them... I'd probably start to think I was pretty hot shit.

Then, as I start to build momentum, my defeated opponents tell all their supporters to vote for me. I casually swat their life's work to the ground and they endorse me? I must be great.

And there's the guards, whose entire raison d'être is to get shot on my behalf. Whole human beings who earnestly believe my life is worth more than theirs, a lot of them honest-to-God military hero types? Forget my defeated opponents; that's endorsement.

And "super delegates"? That's the coolest term ever invented by any political party, ever. It's like the Justice League is on my side!

Finally, millions(!) of people take an hour or so out of their day in November, just to tell me that they think I should be in charge of everything in the world. Then, I get to watch TV news personalities call me a "winner" over and over for several days, and put a number next to my face that is greater than the number next to my opponent's face (bigger numbers = superior life form).

So yeah, I could be president-- I just need a little confidence boost, first. So if anybody can think of a way I could experience massive funding, overwhelming public support, and ultimate victory before I announce my candidacy, I just might throw my hat into the ring for 2012.

(PODCAST) Episode 1 Now Available!

Episode 1 of the X-Ray Visions Podcast is now available for download:

Download Episode 1
Download Episode 1 (clean version)

Click one of the above links to download.

IN THIS EPISODE: Introduction to the X-Ray Visions Podcast / Car Horns ≠ Social Tools /  On Ogrish Poetry / Rights As Wrongs / Excerpts From the Book of Surliness / What's In a Name? Pure Evil. / Degrees of Conceit / The Postmaster's Door

CONTENT ADVISORY: This podcast, much like this blog, contains some strong language. On the off chance that your kids would want to listen to something like this... well, don't let them. If they insist that they can't get along in life without the half-crazed ramblings of a middle-aged Ohioan in their earbuds, the clean version bleeps out most of the naughty words (though it's that half-bleeping, like South Park does, where you hear "f(BLEEP)ck" and can sort of guess what's in the middle).

If you're not yet acquainted, this program is, in essence, me reading some of (what I feel are) the more compelling posts from this blog, along with some new, previously unpublished, material. I must say: as strange as it is to reread some of the stuff I've written, it's even more unusual to hear my own voice reading it back.

Special thanks to Atticus Hyde for loaning me some of their original music for the show.

(FLASH FICTION) On ogrish poetry

The following lacks words, plot, and characters enough to be as a short story, or even a piece of "flash fiction". In truth, it hardly qualifies as a vignette. Still, I had this fragment of an idea, and started typing.

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As far as anyone could make out, there was no reason for Ogres to be the absolute best poets in the Known Lands. As a species, their command of the spoken word was dubious, their understanding of the underlying tenets of grammar and usage doubtful, and such niceties as simile, tone, and anapestic tetrameter demonstrably beyond their grasp. And yet, Ogrish poets consistently produced works of thunderous depth and soul-shattering truth.That the quills were most often gripped with a full fist and inked with the blood of unwary travellers was immaterial, as were the green-tinted drool spots that adorned the original texts. The spelling was horrific (the Guild of Prose routinely flung budding authors into deep ravines to appease Kairpoln, Undergod of Easily Corrected Errors, for lesser offenses), but such trivial blemishes only served to underscore the brilliance of the material. As Manumon The Exceptionally Long-Lived said: "To hear the message of a god is the highest honor, even if he is belching the words."