I Could Be President (Now Talk Me Into It)

I'm pretty sure I could be president of the United States. I mean, I'm not nearly educated enough, and I don't have a lick of innate political acumen. Come to think of it, the only real leadership experience I bring to the table is over a decade of managing a small-town bar-- probably not what the American electorate wants to see on a resume before handing over the launch codes.

Still, I'm sure I can do it. In fact, I think anybody could become president, given as much positive reinforcement as today's candidates receive over a long election season.

First, people all over the country start sending cash. How great is that? I don't know about you, but I get pretty excited when my tax refund shows up, and that's once a year. I'd need emergency cosmetic surgery to remove my smile if I got a sack full of personal checks every single day.

And then, thousands of people show up and cheer for me every day, chanting my name and wearing funny hats with my name on them... I'd probably start to think I was pretty hot shit.

Then, as I start to build momentum, my defeated opponents tell all their supporters to vote for me. I casually swat their life's work to the ground and they endorse me? I must be great.

And there's the guards, whose entire raison d'être is to get shot on my behalf. Whole human beings who earnestly believe my life is worth more than theirs, a lot of them honest-to-God military hero types? Forget my defeated opponents; that's endorsement.

And "super delegates"? That's the coolest term ever invented by any political party, ever. It's like the Justice League is on my side!

Finally, millions(!) of people take an hour or so out of their day in November, just to tell me that they think I should be in charge of everything in the world. Then, I get to watch TV news personalities call me a "winner" over and over for several days, and put a number next to my face that is greater than the number next to my opponent's face (bigger numbers = superior life form).

So yeah, I could be president-- I just need a little confidence boost, first. So if anybody can think of a way I could experience massive funding, overwhelming public support, and ultimate victory before I announce my candidacy, I just might throw my hat into the ring for 2012.